Damaged
by planet p
Summary: AU; pretty lame, just some thoughts. Lyle's POV. This is me not working on succinct; that word irks me, sorry. I'll work on it later.


**Damaged** by planet p

**Disclaimer** I don't own _the Pretender_ or any of its characters.

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_AU; just some thoughts._

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He knows all of her dreams; they're his dreams too. And, sometimes, she knows some of his dreams. He doesn't mean for it to happen, but sometimes he can't help it. He could never deny her anything, not that she knows it.

He thinks, sometimes, that they were made for each other. Not in the sense that people usually think of those words, no, not romantically or sexually, but, somehow else… somehow… like all families are made for each other, in all of the books and movies and stories with happy endings.

She's always been in his life, right there. He doesn't know if it's been the same for her, but he'd like to think so, but, then, he knows it hasn't. When she looks at him, or hears his name, it's like she hates him. There's this feeling that he feels inside of her – and he doesn't like it; no matter how hard he tries, he just can't like it. It makes him want to run away and hide, or cry. It isn't supposed to be this way, after all. They're supposed to be… friends, or, at least… he wishes she could tolerate him, instead of hate him.

There're so many things he doesn't know, and so many things he does, and, right at the top, she's there. He's never been more certain in his life than he is of her. He loves her, he can't not. She let him stay, she believed in him and loved him, and she put herself on the line so that he would have a chance, and what can he do but fuck everything up for her, at every turn. He hates himself sometimes for that. He wishes she could know how much he loves her, but instead she imagines that he's fixated on her in some unhealthy way.

Sometimes it scares him, too, the things she thinks he thinks of her, because he doesn't think that way about her at all. Sometimes, she scares him. He knows that she could make him, and it scares him. He knows that that is what their grandmother would want, a chance to ruin everything. He knows he has to act as though he likes her as long as he's around other people, and especially around her, but it's not just like… it's like like, and I don't care if you like me back. He knows he has to do this because it's too dangerous not to – for her, for him, for his children, for their parents, for Mira, for anything and anyone he's ever cared about or not cared about – but he hates it.

And then there's _her_ voice – grandmother's voice – or her feelings, in the background, trying to convince him that it's really what he wants – when it's exactly what he _doesn't_ want! He wants love to be about caring about someone, about trust and honesty and companionship and so many other things… not the way she thinks of it, not the way his father thought of it.

He doesn't want to be damaged anymore, for her, he wants to be someone else, he wants to be that person he was supposed to be, that he should have been, for her.

Sometimes, he hates so many, many people, but then he knows that they are damaged, were damaged, and that the greatest ability is to be damaged and to damage in turn. He wants to not be damaged, he wants to come through it, okay, he doesn't want to damage other people anymore. He told himself that it would end with Kyle.

He remembers how scared he was, how he so wanted just to stop, rather than to hurt her. How he tried not to think of all the people who would hurt. But maybe, if he'd done that then – if he'd stepped over the edge – maybe Kyle would still be alive. And he misses Kyle so much, though they were never really close.

He will never hurt her like that, he resolves. He will never hurt the children like that. But he is so scared. He hates being scared. He always tells himself that scared is stupid, wary is rational. But he's scared.

He wants Kyle to come back. Kyle would fix it, he knows he would. He'd be able to tell Kyle, but he doesn't think he could tell her, but he wants to.

He tries to get back to sleep after the nightmare – hers, not his – and thinks of Kyle. He imagines that Kyle is better now, that he's no longer damaged, and that no one is going to hurt him, they are only going to love him. He wishes he could have loved Kyle too, but he does, he always did. But love is never the right love when it comes to him, he always mucks it up, muddles it up, makes it into something it isn't.

Sometimes, he can't help it. He's damaged, and he can't help it. Everything else is damaged with him. Sometimes, he can never seem to see the world without the damage.


End file.
